You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
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Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
I think we should hear other voices.
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit