If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
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My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”
My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
You can’t rush stupid.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.