I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
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[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
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/Expectation:
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( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
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( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
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(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?