In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
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On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Ovenable?
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
Chemical wingman
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7