Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
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*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
When I laugh on my period