You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
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The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.