[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
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Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter