Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
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The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
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the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.