I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
You Might Also Like
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
☠️☠️☠️
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?