Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
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*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
everyone has that one prude friend
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”