My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
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[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is