Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
You Might Also Like
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus