Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
You Might Also Like
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
Weighing up my bread heating options
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders