I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
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Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
Said the murderer.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”