Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
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Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think