*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
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You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.