Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
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eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end