Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
You Might Also Like
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.
Anyway he didn’t call.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
Breaking news: