🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
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“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ