I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
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I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
Maths meets science
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.