I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
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You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend