Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
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Eat…
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.