Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
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“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
Saw online –
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet