A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
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Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
Yes, this is exactly right
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
This squirrel eats better than I do
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder