“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
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[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’