I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
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The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Cheer up.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
*sewing*
A thread
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho