that wasn’t the question
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Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
the rocks need my help
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”