“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
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Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
i want the dreams to chase me for once
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.