on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
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I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time