I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
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Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
Me too
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees