[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
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Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
Expect the unexporcupine.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob