[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
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Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days