How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
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Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.