me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
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Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.