I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
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Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Lmfao
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
dictator is short for richard potato
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.