Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
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Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
seems fine
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
“How’s your day going?”
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me