You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
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A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.