I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
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On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
Saturday
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.