Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
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Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.