Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
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Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy