Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
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A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
I unironically love this joke.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.