My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
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I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
BRAKING NEWS!!
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read