-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
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I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor: