Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
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Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?