I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
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A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
this isn’t threatening at all
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.