“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
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Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???