The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
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I did not eat the cake…
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
Do one person every day that scares you.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.