i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
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Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Monday
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
it’s finally my moment to shine
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today