“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
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An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
Brb my Sims are getting married
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?