I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
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I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*